i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
