The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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