Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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