Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
