I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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