dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
