They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
