I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
