I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
