Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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