I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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