this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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