some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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