so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Randomize
