come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
