what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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