Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
