I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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