i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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