It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
