she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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