I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
