Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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