After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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