No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
