he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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