He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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