You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
