I accidentally had phone sex last night
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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