ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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