maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
