I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
