Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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