my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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