Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
