Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
