and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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