He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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