I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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