Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
