barbara walters just said penis...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
