I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
