I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
