I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Alive.
So much puke
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
