i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
