just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
