I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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