She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
