Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
