The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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