My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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