my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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