I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
