i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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