I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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