her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
