Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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