Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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