I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
