ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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