My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So squirting runs in the family.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
